Tommorow will be a new day
Every couple of months I wake up wondering if I can navigate through my day.
I wake up tired, not the no sleep tired, or the tried where you know you did too much activity, but a tired that is deep to my core.
I felt deep tiredness in my early 20’s from staying up late, filling my soul with live music over drinks.
I felt a deep tiredness in my late 20’s of 14 hour study sessions for months at a time to take the bar exam.
I felt a deep tiredness in my early 30’s of late night feedings, pumping sessions, and comforting tiny babies.
This tiredness is something completely different.
Parenting is hard for so many reasons, mothering is hard for a variety of others.
I find that I get overwhelmed with the tasks, with the patience I need, with the glimpse in the mirror when I don’t recognize myself.
Not the reflection that I see, which some days is a down right a hot mess.
But the reflection on these specific days where I feel unsure if I will make it through.
Deep down I know I will. I know that I am built for this at my core.
Most days I find the patience for it all, I can walk through my day finding pieces of laughter, accomplishments, warm hugs, and fulfill all the little people needs.
But on these dark days, when my feet hit the floor I am unsure, I struggle to see any of the sweetness.
As a special needs Mom my mood can shift my son’s whole day.
I have often felt that I don’t have permission to have frustration. The natural frustration that comes with parenting.
When I have days like this the mom guilt is a weighted vest. I carry it through my day till my head hits the pillow.
I want to be near them, take them in, at the same time I know that I am on the verge of losing myself to the feelings.
I often feel sad that I am missing so much with all the time I am away from them. Which makes me neglect that I need space sometimes too.
Today was one of those days. I didn’t have patience for the requests, for the mothering, for the touching, carrying, and cleaning.
The emotions of processing how downright hard it is has filled me with tiredness I can’t shake today.
Tomorrow will be a new day and I know this.
If you are feeling this way, I see you, I am there with you, we will both try again tomorrow.
© 2020, Tabitha Cabrera. All rights reserved.
10 Comments
Dannialle
This. I can relate I’m so many levels. The standards that we set for ourselves as moms, as friends, as partners, and as career women are impossible to live up to. The guilt is incredible. Thank you for your real and raw words. ❤️
Tabitha
Yes!!! So so much! Thank you lady! Love you!
Kate
I feel this tired. I feel you Tabitha. I have been there, many times. There are times when I feel I have nothing more to give, that I want to just run away, especially now. Believe me, you will eventually be able find the time and take the time, for yourself (however brief it may be, you have to) and then you will be able to go back to being supermom, superwife, super etc… You NEED to do this, we all need to do this.
IT’T NOT OPTIONAL!
Love you Tabitha. I’m always her for a chat if you need me.
Tabitha
Thank you so much Kate!! ❤️ Your strength and light is something I admire so much. I am learning to make more of a balance and navigate the waters of all of this. Love you friend!
Tyler
I love how raw this is because it is so so real. I have been there more times than I can count and know how hard it can be. ❤️ We have more strength in us than we realize at times and we are superwomen!
Tabitha
So so true Tyler! We make it through these dark days with all that superwomen strength.
Chris
Tabathia. I can only imagine the struggles you have on any given day but I have seen the joy you get from your family. I’ve seen your face light up with love and amazement when you are surrounded by them. You are an incredible woman, Mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend. Never forget how special you are. Remember on those dark days that it’s ok to let everyone know you could use a helping hand. It’s not weakness it’s strength.
Tabitha
Thank you so much Chris! Thank you for all the support. ❤️ I’m not the best at asking for help that is for sure. Learning day by day.
Teresa
I have felt this on more occasions that I care to count. Only last night did I finally realize that I am always tightening some part of my body and clenching. Hands, feet, legs, back, neck… always bracing for what is coming. I can never fully relax because I am so afraid of what will come of it. I have to always be on high alert. It’s so draining. Relaxing is almost painful at this point.
Tabitha
I can understand that so deeply Teresa. It is so hard to relax and can be very emotionally draining. Thank you for sharing.